The Best Worst Day EVER

 My alarm went off today at 2:30am. I *think* I slept but very little. My mind could not turn off and I was playing out our last night under the same roof all night long. Nonetheless, I got up and showered. I heard you downstairs awake and moving and that was followed by Brooklyn and Christian moving about as well. I was still refreshing the computer to get Covid results, by the way...still not there!

We all moved about the house kinda quiet. Not sure what to say or how to be. The eerie from last night still lingers. We all know what is happening but the realness of it all hasn't hit. We got your suitcases loaded into the car and snapped a couple of photos before we left.

3:30am. Sleepy eyes...no tears just yet

Tyler has tired eyes, you are ready, and I have already let tears fall

Just the two of us

As we drove down the street we were met by a glowing light on the Miller's garage door. As soon as I saw the message, I knew we not only needed a picture so I could send it to them but it also was starting to resonate what kind of morning this was turning into. So full of emotions. So full over overwhelming love for this sweet kiddo. 

The fact that the Millers would take the time to create the posters and then hang them on their garage door is one thing. But to have a spotlight plugged in and then turned on so that it was all we saw, bright and lit up like it was mid day, was so touching. We have been blessed with some truly amazing friends in our lives and the Millers are the top of that list for sure. I was doing good emotion wise until I looked over and saw tears coming down Tyler's cheeks. He is so thrilled for Kaitlyn and is going to miss her but he was so touched by the love of these sweet friends that he couldn't contain those tears from falling.

As we drove the rest of the way to the airport, there was very little chatter. The kids were in the backseat and here and there I would hear some little whisper talk but mostly I was trying to keep my cool. I had a kleenex in my pocket just in case but ended up handing that off to Brooklyn because she was covering up her emotions with the trouble of a 'stuffed up nose.'

Once we arrived to the airport, we all got out and walked in. There were signs all over that clearly stated due to the Covid pandemic only one family member was allowed in with a missionary. I ignored those signs, will ask for forgiveness later, and we all walked in. The counters at Delta where we had to check in her luggage were non-manned so her and I stood in line and waited while the other 3 found a spot and lingered. As we waited in line, Kaitlyn began counting missionaries arriving. She got to 5 before the line started to move. We didn't have to wait long and before she knew it, she was handing off two (2) over weight suitcases to the ticket agent and collecting her boarding passes. 

The walk to the security line was next. This is the moment I have dreaded since Kaitlyn opened up her call. I knew this was the moment that would yank my heart right into a gazillion pieces. But, I tried to keep my cool for the benefit of others and we headed that way. As we rounded the corner and the new weird white glass looking piece of art appeared I announced that it was time to say our goodbyes. I was not ready for the overwhelming emotions that took place.  

Brooklyn in the arms of her best friend and older sister

Tears were streaming, Kaitlyn trying to console

Brooklyn jumped in at the first opportunity to get a hug from Kaitlyn. She loves, trusts, and feels safe with Kaitlyn. She is her very best friend. The embrace between these two sweet sisters was one that will forever resonate as a true example of love. Brooklyn has been cautious with her heart as Kaitlyn has been home doing the MTC. She was in total protective mode. Today, as she realized she was saying 'See you in a quick 16 1/2 months', that wall came down and as much as she wanted to believe that it wasn't going to sting, it hurt. Kaitlyn was so wonderful in trying to lighten a mood and to make a smile come over Brooklyn, but ultimately Brooklyn continued to allow herself to cry, to be sad, and to outwardly acknowledge that she is going to miss Kaitlyn a lot.

As I waited with open arms for Brooklyn to come my way, Christian jumped in for his chance to get his hug and to say his goodbyes. He first handed Kaitlyn an envelope with what I am sure is a very touching and loving letter. 

These two have been through it all together since day 1. They have been each others supporters during hard times. They have been each others best friends. They have had to rely on one another for the strength and endurance during rough patches of growing up. They have muddled through ugly times with a parent who has been toxic in their lives. They have worked together to build a friendship of trust, compassion, security, and unconditional love. These two have done everything together. From figuring out who they are, what they want in life, what influences are best and then how to work to have those around, to being baptized on the same day, receiving their Patriarchal Blessings on the same day, talking missions together, and now ensuring that one another has their backs. No matter the distance that will exist between them. I could hardly look their way (& I was sure glad they had their backs to me) as they embraced and said their goodbyes. 

As I watched my two youngest stand by I knew it was now my turn. I did NOT want to even walk towards Kaitlyn. I was so not ready for this moment dangit!

This girl made me a Mom 19 years ago. I promise it was just yesterday that I was meeting her for the very first time. Today still seems so surreal. There were not enough minutes or seconds or hours for me to be able to tell her all the things I wanted to in that short time I was able to embrace her. I couldn't keep my tears in check. I let them fall on her shoulder. I told her that I loved her and that she will always be my best friend. I told her that she will be an amazing missionary and to always remember to trust in the Lord and to rely on Him to get her through all she is headed into. I reminded her that I was grateful for her and for her example she is setting today as she chooses to head off into the field. I reminded her that I am only a phone call away. No matter what. I told Kaitlyn that I loved her and that we will all be here praying for her and thinking of her always. And then it was time to hand her off for the final goodbye. 

I wasn't expecting to see this emotion out of Tyler. But as he embraced Kaitlyn he looked away from me as I tried to get a photo. The tears were heavy in his eyes but instead of letting them fall, he took Kaitlyn into his arms and hugged her tight. Kaitlyn fell into his chest and I think this will be a new favorite picture of  mine for some time. Kaitlyn does not see Tyler as a 'Step Dad'. Kaitlyn trusts Tyler and knows that she is safe within his care. She knows that he is working non stop to ensure her safety, her happiness, her all around well being, and she trusts that he is genuine and without any conditions on that love. These two have the most tender relationship and their bantering and teasing that takes place in our home regularly is going to be missed something fierce!

One quick photo that Tyler snapped of the four of us. It has been a journey to get us to this point but it sure wasn't alone. We have had many angels in our lives, many tremendous influences, and for each of them I thank. This parenting gig is hard but I have been blessed with some amazing kiddos who have continued each day to make choices that set them apart from all the others. 

As we readied ourselves to send Kaitlyn down the security line, there was a gentleman who offered to take a family photo for us. 

And even though you can tell it is early and that tears have fallen all around, this picture is raw and real. It is also one of the hardest ones for me to look at as I reminisce over this morning and what took place. I see love, I see sadness, I see excitement. I see worry, fear, and apprehension. But more importantly, I see a family of 5 who have gathered for a very special morning. One full of promises and blessings. A family who are all about to embark on a pretty rad journey as we allow our Heavenly Father and Savior take the lead of one of these sweet family members. 

I stood and watched as Kaitlyn walked down the security check in line. I took video and was so grateful that other travelers let me have that time as they stood by and waited until she turned the corner out of site. And then I cried some tears alone before I turned around to the rest of my dear family who was waiting and watching as I did. This girl of mine is officially off. She is on her way. I know she is in great hands and I know she will do amazing things. It sure doesn't stop the ache that is resonating HEAVY in my chest on my heart though.

Our walk to the car seemed like it took forever. And then as we drove the 30 minutes home, our car was very quiet. There were definite sniffles. There were lots of tears that fell from 4 sets of eyes. And there was absolutely no talking. We all just went through a very exciting yet traumatic experience of choosing to accept a family members choice to serve her Heavenly Father. And what a joyous choice! I could not think of a better choice that I would have had her make.

As I rode home, I couldn't help but think that Kaitlyn never really has been 'mine'. I have just been lucky enough to be chosen as her Mom. Kaitlyn belongs to her Heavenly Father and even though I have been parenting for the last 19 years, it is His time to take the lead. He will take care of her as she is on His time. He will be certain to keep her safe, to lead her to those that are seeking to find the truth and goodness of the Gospel. He will buoy her up on hard and sad days. He will be there cheering her on as she experiences highs. It is time for me to release the Mom string and trust in my Heavenly Father. He knows my thoughts, my worries, my wants. He knows He has just gotten back one of His very most prized daughters. I know I have nothing to worry about and I know I have to just rely now on my faith and trust in Him that He will do His part. (But for the record...hardest thing I have EVER done!)

As we all walked into the house this morning just after 5am, still no words were said. Christian headed downstairs to his room and Brooklyn headed upstairs to hers. Tyler slowly walked to our bedroom and I came into the computer. I refreshed the Intermountain page and Covid results are there! No quarantining required for Kaitlyn when she gets to Boston!! Her results are negative. A quick print off and text to the secretary and then I am off to climb into bed for a couple hours as Kaitlyn travels to Detroit for her first leg of her flight. 

16 1/2 months is all I have to muster...but for now I am going to focus on the feelings of today. It was hard, I will never deny that. But it was the best worst day of my life ever. I got to witness first hand the love of my children for one another. I got to see the trust and care they have for one another and I was able to see the friendships that exist between the three of them. I watched as my oldest kept her head high and was ready to take on this calling from her Heavenly Father. Today was a good day. Hard but so good.

I hope I can make this 16 1/2 months,

Missionary Momma