Thoughts from Mom
The immediate ache in my heart was looking around at all of the complete families. Parents, kids, etc. I was missing three (3) who would always be in tow with us on this trip. Elder Rose, Sister Garcia, and Elder Garcia. My family was broken, it was incomplete. And my heart felt it almost instantly when we loaded onto the houseboat.
I found myself throughout the week watching as the tubers loaded up or came back in from riding. I was counting kids, looking for those three that were missing. I watched as jet ski's left and came back in, again hoping that one, two, or even all three of mine would appear. I felt the sting as others on the boat would mention my kids and what they were missing because of their vacancy on the boat. It was apparent to me that it wasn't just my heart that was stinging but others felt the absence of them as well.
On Monday when I talked with Sister Garcia it was short lived. We had moved the houseboat to a spot where there was service, but barely. Enough to get a 20 minute phone call in which I am grateful for, but I missed being able to text and chat throughout the day. It was as I was readying myself to hang up that call that I felt the weight of the past 5 months of having you gone from our home take over. Tyler knew and he immediately had me on the boat pulling away to escape before anyone could see the flood of tears that was ready to break free from my eyes.
I tried to keep them in. I didn't want to feel weak or even let Tyler see one fall. I wanted to be strong enough to deal with the feelings I was having and to feel like I was "good". But as soon as the boat started and we were far enough way from anyone we were with, there was no chance to hold back. I could not contain the tears or the shaking. My heart aches. And I miss you more than these silly black and white words will ever convey. Tyler found a spot, dropped the anchor, and held me as I dangled my feet in the water off the back of the boat and sobbed my eyes out. I admitted for the first time in all of this out loud that I miss you. And that I just don't know how much longer I can go with having you gone. And the guilt that I felt by admitting that out loud to not just myself but to Tyler as well. I wouldn't want you in any other place right now than right where you are, serving a mission for the Lord. Except that gosh dang, I want you home!
I kept thinking and telling myself that as the months went by it would get easier. But here we are 6 months in and my heart hurts more now than it did the day I had to send you through the security gate at the airport alone. I find myself sitting in your room on the floor wondering what you are doing, who you are working with, what your weather is like, what outfit you chose for the day, did you add any bracelets, rings, or necklaces?, if you woke up and knew today would be a good day, or maybe I wonder, just maybe if you miss home too? I miss hearing your laugh and seeing your smile. I miss you and your friends flitting about the house and making plans to go and do. I miss being able to catch up with you the next morning to see how your night went. I even miss the gross long hairs being left behind in my car after you have ridden in it with me. I miss jam sessions of Britney. I miss our shopping days and our pedicure days. I miss my best friend.
So many emotions and so much heartache I never anticipated. So much longing for you to be home even though I have to be okay with knowing you are clear on the East coast at the moment. I am so proud of you, don't ever for one second doubt that. And I would never ever allow these feelings to be known to you while you serve because I would never want what I am feeling here affect anything you have going there. But I guess that is why this blog is so helpful. I didn't forsee this being a 'safe place' in the beginning as I started it but I have relied on knowing that I can journal safely my thoughts and feelings for you to read after you have accomplished your time on your mission.
As a Mom I always knew the day would come that I would have to let you go. I never really envisioned what that would look like but as I sit here today and look back at the week we had without you in it, I am not sure I will ever really be ready to let you go. :) You made me a Mom. You helped me grow into the person I am today at this very moment. And you continue to teach me how to be better. I love you more than you will ever be able to understand and I will miss your sweet tender spirit in our home every day that it isn't here physically. And I will continue to cheer you on and pray for you and those around you who you are serving with and those you are working with. I will even continue my prayers that those who have yet to come into contact with you to do their part to find you.
Sister Garcia, Kaitlyn....I love you. Forever and for always - no matter what. To the moon and back,
Mom
